When is it Enough?

Pete and I made a pact a few years ago, long before Ellie and Owen had joined our family, we would try hard to not over indulge our children.  This rang particularly true around the Christmas season.  We refer to it as the gluttony of Christmas- where present after present is opened without a second glance.  Where the importance of the gift is lost under the sheer volume of presents.  Our goal is to never have that scene played out in our own living room.

This year, as we shopped for Ellie, we kept our gift goals in mind: something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read.  We did pretty good and only fell about four gifts over this mantra.  It took restraint for most of December and then a little bit of UPS luck in the days leading up to Christmas to regain the perspective we held strong all month.

On the Friday prior to Christmas, Pete and I had a moment of weakness as we watched our daughter respond to the siren call of the Disney princesses on TV.  The Disney Princess Dream Castle, the gift Ellie had repeatedly and joyously proclaimed, "I want that for Christmas!"  As we watched our daughter stare enraptured at the TV, Pete and I quietly agreed.  Ellie deserved the Disney Princess Dream Castle.  We deserved to give it to her.  Our resolve was broken and the hunt for a $150 piece of plastic became the mission.  We involved family members in the search and stalked UPS up until Christmas Eve awaiting the arrival of the revered castle.  But it didn't arrive on time.  And Ellie has never mentioned it. Her playroom is so fully stocked with great new toys she has forgotten all about the castle.  When she opened her gifts on Christmas morning it took over two hours.  Not because of the quantity, but because each one was so thrilling for her we had to open the gift and play with it briefly.  This is what we want our Christmas mornings to be like.  The Disney Princess Dream Castle arrived today, and we will return it without Ellie ever being the wiser.

Christmas is a tremendously difficult holiday to celebrate when one of your children is missing.  Pete and I put intentional thought into how we wanted to include Owen in our holiday traditions.  On Christmas Eve, Pete, Ellie, and I visited Owen's hospital to drop off a donation and give thanks.  On Christmas day, Pete and I walked the beach holding Owen close to our hearts.  That night, we released a lantern into the sky, all the way to Heaven, each taking a turn to say what we missed most about him.  I am not able to express the grief Pete and I feel without Owen here.  To say I miss him is like saying I enjoy eating brownies.  Words will never be able to fully express the extent of my emotions.

A few weeks after Owen passed away, my brain started to shift into overdrive.  Pete and I wanted to have our kids close together in age, hence Ellie and Owen were only 16 months apart.  If Pete and I were going to add to our family, where would the age gap fall?  Mental calculations became snippets of conversation which led to my days being consumed with trying to decide which path our family is supposed to take.  Do we pursue adoption? Foster adoption or private?  Do we pursue having another child, but eliminate one of us genetically?  Do we eliminate me or Pete? If we eliminate Pete, do we gender select to ensure that Owen's disease wasn't x-linked inherited?  How long does the adoption process take? How long does IVF take? Enough.

Why is it about gaining and adding?  Our family of three is doing pretty well.  Maybe I should be focusing more on the child I have instead of dreaming of the child I think I need.  Ellie wanted the Disney Princess Dream Castle, but she didn't need it.  She has enjoyed every gift she received.  The Disney Princess Dream Castle is a reminder to me, a lesson I needed to revisit, that in life you don't get everything you want.  Within that story, Ellie is the reminder that you can find joy in what you are given.  There is no need to always be looking for more; be happy with what you have.

I am not one for resolutions, but I will be thrilled to say good-bye to 2013 and all of the bad news it has brought this year.  My goal for 2014 is to focus on my amazing family of three.  Will there be another child in our future? Maybe, but for now we need to enjoy we what have and not what we want.  If Owen has taught me anything, it is life is fleeting.  We spent two years making memories with our sweet guy and now it is time to make more memories with our amazing daughter.