Ellie

Today marks three months since Owen passed away.  It feels like an eternity has passed in those three short months.  Last night I went out to dinner with a dear friend who lost her husband to cancer two weeks prior to Owen.  It is a new life- living without my sweet boy.  Going out to dinner on a Wednesday night would have been unimaginable if Owen was still with us.  My time was spent with him, worrying about him, or at work.  There was no such thing as going out for a casual glass of wine mid-week.  Owen kept our days filled with all of the love and support he needed; now the free time abounds.  This is not meant as a complaint- I feel such a sense of relief going about my day with Ellie.  We have no strict schedule, there is nothing we need to rush to accomplish, no appointments with therapists, medicine schedules, unpredictable seizures, or endless irritability.  We just do what we want when we want.  I miss my guy, but there is relief to be found in this new way of life.

Ellie continues to amaze us with her acceptance of Owen in Heaven.  She talks about him every day, speaks of his existence in Heaven in a matter of fact manner, and comforts me when she can see I am sad.  Our family therapist stopped by last week to check in on how Ellie and I are doing.  Ellie questioned whether she had any children in Heaven.  Upon hearing she did not, Ellie let the therapist know she has a brother in Heaven and it is okay if one of her children goes to Heaven.   They will be happy there.  It hurts my heart this is such piece of reality for my 3 year old child.  But I love the sense of pride Ellie has about her brother who is an angel.

On Monday, she had a tough time going to sleep and kept Pete and I in her room until past 10pm.  This is notably late for a kid who typically conks out at 8pm.  As we lay in bed talking, she interrogated each of us about Owen.  Why did he get a disease? Why did he go to Heaven? Was he born with his disease? Why didn't she get the disease? Does he play in Heaven? Why didn't he say good-bye to her? We did our best to answer her questions and help her mind find some peace, but I know she still struggles with why this happened to her brother.  On Tuesday, she came home from preschool with her usual pile of drawings, but our family photo was composed a bit different.  Owen is now up in Heaven.  The beauty and innocence of this picture took my breath away.  I wish I could see into her mind and know what she is thinking.

L to R: Ellie, Pete, two snowmen, Sommer.  Owen is next to the sun in Heaven

Today Pete and I have an appointment at a fertility clinic.  We are still in our information gathering stage.  If we were to chose this path to add a child, we want to know exactly what we would have to undertake.  We know it would involve IVF, but I really do not have a clear understanding of the process.  We also have an appointment scheduled with my OB to review the details of my pregnancy with Owen.  Pete and I think there were some markers in my pregnancy which indicated all was not well.  This, of course, comes with the hindsight of knowing Owen was very sick.  Nothing in the pregnancy could have foretold his story, but we wonder if there is usable information for a future pregnancy.  We are also still waiting for our home study to be scheduled for foster adoption.  Lots of balls up in the air, but we are not actively pursuing anything.  It is easy to share that my feelings about adding another child to our house can change daily.  Some days seem to be just right with the three of us, other times there is a large hole in our lives that we are waiting to fill. No matter what the future brings, we are so thankful to have Ellie.